Where we’ll go no one knows, and that’s alright with me.

16 Jul 2011 1 Comment

by emeliaj in Beauty, Beginnings, bounce back, Embellishing the English Major Within, friends, Hippie Moments, Necessary Grace, peace

It’s never as simple as I wish. Being at this camp and immersed in our small little community has re-lit the fearful fire beneath my ass  to be a teacher. Even as a behind-the-scenes-intern I still see that God has made me for exactly this. Now, the only hitch is where to go so that the dream I’ve had since 5th grade can finally be a reality. Simpson? Really expensive, but in Redding and amidst people I already know and love. Sac State? It means I’d have to stay in the area and would be back at the shop as I continue to build community. Oh, and it’s over $10,000 cheaper! Yikes! As my credentialing wheels spin, there are so many other things going on.

After another exhausting week of camp, the crew went to Malabar in Santa Cruz where we feasted on vegetarian delights from Sri Lanka. It was the most fabulous food experience of my life. Raj, the owner, brought us dish after delightful dish. We chose nothing and were teary eyed from the goodness of everything. I have lived with this community for a mere five weeks, but my heart is bursting. We have our difficult moments, but I am so inspired by this incredible group of people and I fall more in love with this ministry every single week. It’s strange to not have consistent and direct contact with the students, but there are more moments that make it more than worthwhile.

This week we had two students who walked in waving their banners of atheism and loving them was the highlight of my week. The thing that astounds me about love is that it is the only salve for bitterness and fear. Christians can be some of the worst lovers, but we serve the master of love and he somehow continues to use us despite ourselves. I’m realizing more and more that my life’s purpose as a Christian isn’t to convince others that I am right and not a crazy fundamentalist. Instead, it is merely to love. We cannot go and make disciples through argument or proof because there is so much that can give weight to both sides, we make disciples by sharing the singular, divine love that has saved us.

After our grand meal, our little group walked down Pac Ave and I languidly hung on a railing and listened to the Mariachi musicians serenading the downtown air. The only thing that was missing was a hand to hold to pass the electricity of the moment from palm to palm, but even that longing was fleeting. It made me long for Peru and more adventures, but it reminded me of where I’ve been, where I am going and the adventurous gift that I have been given to treasure in the present. Telling kids that they are loved by serving them and listening to their story is such a privilege and I’m in greater awe each day in the forgiveness I’ve received and the mercy that envelopes me every morning in our little community. I wish I were a songwriter. If so, I’d play you the beats of my heart and sing you the many sounds of my soul.

I don’t know where I’ll be when this summer is over, but I must learn to release that anxiety daily. I still have three weeks of kayaking, river stumbling, and adventurous teaching to dig into. This is me sucking the marrow out of life right now and it is delicious.