A Love Letter of the Divine sort
13 May 2012 Leave a Comment
My Dear Daughter,
Oh I love you and treasure your heart. Don’t feel guilt and shame as I mold you. Trust my loving touch. Find rest and hope in the fact that I know absolutely everything and am totally in control. The all powerful one loves YOU. Sometimes love hurts. But you can trust me. I have purposes for you that are a mystery to you- but I know exactly what I’m doing. Set your heart, mind, and soul on me. Other things work themselves out. I am with you and for you.
I am for them too. I want them to know me more deeply. I want them to yield to me and receive healing in the darkest parts. I will do these things. You do not need to fret about them. I will take care of them. You just come close to me. Time will reveal things. Trust and give this time to me. Don’t worry about saying or doing the right things. Or having to figure it all out. Let go. Trust all to me. I am good. Believe me. Let go and just be yourself. Trust I will do exactly what I want. I love you so much. You are my beautiful daughter.
Love,
Dad
Disciplines of the heart
11 May 2012 1 Comment
in Awkward, bounce back
I’ve been thinking a lot about discipline. I think about discipline daily. It comes to mind so often becomes it seems to be the characteristic that I am most lacking. I have passion and desire oozing out of my ears. Seriously, it gets everywhere and people look at me funny. Sometimes it gets on the people I am near and it inspires them and others turn away with disgust. I haven’t yet learned how to handle the walking away without being temporarily crippled by rejection. As I said before, I’m working on a lot of things. What I continue to lack, in a terrible way, is the ability to be disciplined. To choose the things that I know are good and right despite the alluring temptation to seize every moment and opportunity that comes along with the lasso of my wild delight.
What is good? What is true? Certainly not God. Look at all the atrocities committed in his name. Look at all the lies that have been propagated by his saints in order to gain power over others. I wrestle with these notions daily and sometimes it merely adds fuel to my undisciplined fire. Still, I know too much. I know too damn much. I have looked into the beautiful eyes of life without God and they had no hope nor reason to offer me. Nothing that could satisfy me for more than an hour or two.
How will I grow disciplined? How will I grow stronger? I don’t yet know. Much of this last, great season of my life has passed in a weeping puddle of confusion. The waters that I have waded through are not especially deep or atrocious. They are simply hard on the heart. If there is a God that can be known, I want to know him and know him intimately. I want to be spiritually healthy and not overwhelmed by my own duality. I fear the cost of such a life. I fear it more than I can shamefully admit, but could the reward by greater than anything I could ask or imagine? It is a promise whose truth I hope to discover. I just happen to royally suck at it right now. Luckily, at the end of the day my hope really doesn’t rest on my own abilities. I clearly can’t do this on my own. Thank God I’m not expected to.
So how does this part of the journey start? think it begin with a notion . . . then a half meant prayer . . . then a temptation . . . a failure . . . a fall back . . . a more fervent prayer . . . a failure . . . more fervent prayers and study and quality time . . . more failures and triumphs . . . hard decisions etc. etc. I’ve run this cycle more times than I care to admit. I’d really like to get off this undisciplined merry go-round.
Shimmy has a point . . .
08 May 2012 2 Comments
in Necessary Grace, Relationships, Things that go Crash, things worth freaking out over
Falling in love is like willingly throwing yourself on a grenade.
Except the grenade looks like an adorable puppy dog.
So you drop to the ground and roll around with it.
It even has a tag on it that says, “This is not an adorable puppy dog. This is a grenade and will hurt you.”
But you just sort of shrug and tell yourself, “ it probably won’t explode, because how could something so innocent be unseemingly dangerous?”
Then BAM!
You’re shocked when an explosion shatters your ribcage and damages all your vital organs.
And if you really fell hard . . . then when you’re standing there holding your intestines with shrapnel in your chest and the doctor is telling you how long you have, you’re nodding and saying . . . yeah . . . but it was worth it. -Shimmy Boyle
Cost of Dicipleship
16 Apr 2012 3 Comments
Reading Luke 14 this morning is a hard way to start the day. Forsake everything? What does that look like nowadays? Why does it seem that no one does?
The Motivational Factor
04 Apr 2012 3 Comments
I have been thinking the past few days about what motivates us to be and act certain ways. I have spent much of my life trying to purify and sanctify myself through good and right action. Unsurprisingly, I have failed in a gloppy, blazing heap of crap-based glory [Amazing imagery, I know]. I am so often motivated by what is best for me, or what seems best at fulfilling my needs at the moment.
It’s true that I need community and that I am called to love my neighbor and we can call that ministry, but I often look at ministry and community as ways of satisfying some deep craving inside of me. Nothing has fully worked and I remain unsatisfied. In a podcast I listened to today, Tim Keller quoted a young teenager girl as saying, “I know that Jesus gave up being God to become human and hang out with us. I know he then died for our sins, so that we can have relationship with God during this life and then rejoice with him in eternity. I know that through Jesus I’m forgiven, redeemed and sanctified. I know all of that. I know all that Jesus has done for me . . . but I still don’t have any dates!” Oh man, I will not admit to how often I have been that pimply-faced teen whining about how no one wants to take me out on a date. I know what Jesus has done for me, and that’s great-and-all, but I just want a satisfying career. I even want to help people through my career, so can’t I just be fulfilled by that? Or I want a boyfriend, a husband, a car, a thriving community, no student loans, a house, to have sex etc. etc.
I work-out, read, socialize and minister because I want to be good at those things. I want to receive praise and confirmation that those things are good, should be satisfied by them and am thus motivated to continue in them. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. The sad part is that when I remove my blinders I realize that there will always be someone smarter, more loving, a better climber, faster, kinder, more pure etc. etc. I’m never going to be satisfied by any of that. How many people truly get to their lives and they’re satisfied. My Mom just told me that a man in our church is going to lose his battle with cancer in the next few months. He’s sad to be leaving his family and for those who will miss him, but the real shocker is that he’s excited. EXCITED. Why? Because he knows who he’s going to see when he’s done with this world. Who does that? Who gets stoked at the end? I’ve learned in my Church History class that there are so many people who have walked with the Lord and are ecstatic to truly see him face to face when they reach heaven. My suspicion is they have seen his face many times in the faces of people on this earth.
I grew up in the church and don’t have an obvious shift from darkness to light. I feel like I’ve been brought up in the gray, though that may be an inaccurate statement. I’m slightly aware of the ways of the world and the life I could potentially lead if I were to fully give in to my desires, but I sadly know better enough to not give in completely even though I have been told it is unhealthy to deny myself in such a way. But the dabbling . . . the dabbling is what is killing me. Where is the motivation to truly run after the Lord and forsake the pleasures available to me here and now? Do I have to fully walk down that road before I realize I really should have turned back years ago? [Mom, I'm speaking metaphorically here. Do not put me on the prayer chain for this] Podcasts, friends, books, and scripture can speak truth but how do I get those seeds planted and legit crops growing from them? Is relationship really the only thing out there that can satisfy? What does that even look like? And if it is true that it is only the grace of God that redeems us and leads us towards righteousness and not my own self-will . . . how do we form a relationship with him without getting weird?
What motivates you to choose purity when you’d prefer pleasure, to loving your neighbor when you’d rather hit them in the head, to serving the poor when you’d rather serve yourself and to seeking the Lord when you’d rather pretend he’s not even in the room?
Gearing up
26 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Updates
I’m preparing myself to start a new blog here in the next few weeks. It’s actually a space I created way back while I was in Peru, but the prospect has always seemed daunting. It’s funny how an initial step does not guarantee a second step to follow immediately. In this instance the follow through didn’t begin for years. The timeline of my life has followed an unexpected trajectory it seems. I talked about starting seminary several times and even applied, but it wasn’t till I got into a relationship that I realized, “Holy Crap . . . this needs to happen and it needs to happen now.” So now that same thing is happening with my writing. Nothing may come of it, but I know that I need to begin.
Coinciding with beginnings, it appears that my roommate and I may be moving to a house. This isn’t just an ordinary move to an ordinary living space. This move will christen the beginning of a dream that I have had for the last 6-7 years. This is going to be the place where high schoolers and college students can stop by and hang out or do homework. It may be the place of community dinners and a base from which to be neighborly. It’s going to be intentional community and a sort of home base for the blossoming Young Life ministry in Davis. It’s going to require sacrifice and hard work, but I am stoked out of my mind!
I’ve also decided to go back as an Intern to Young Life Adventures. I know I’m 25 and should be moving towards real jobs that actually pay what my degree is worth . . . but it’s teenagers, community, nature, and Jesus. Pretty much the most life-giving things on the planet for me. The only things missing will be my books and a few of the relationships I’ll be leaving at home, but will hopefully be running back to with a full and grown heart when the summer is over.
I’m still wrestling with many things and I still find myself sinning and having to deal with the consequences. I hear by 26 most people have this sin-nature thing beat and under wraps. Only nine more months to go right? Still, the thing that I do know is that the Lord is relentless. When I am blind and brutal in my doubt His presence still manifests. I have found nothing on this earth that satisfies like His love. I have tried, currently try, and will sadly try in the future to supplant relationship with Him with other things, but nothing yet can truly take His place. All I’ve found so far is emptiness and despair apart from the grace and mercy of God. When speaking with loved ones it’s funny how that’s always the part where my heart quickens and my voice catches. That God, the maker of the universe (a loved one just told me that recent pictures of deep space revealed over 200,000 galaxies . . . we’re talking BIG here) would stoop down, take on icky, messy flesh, and die so that I can know Him intimately. No love comes close to that. No other love ever will.
Because My Mother Misses it . . . And I need it.
04 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Awkward, Beginnings, bounce back, Necessary Grace, Suspect Thoughts, things worth freaking out over, Writhe
Ok, in all actuality I haven’t been able to write much because my usual self-analysis and introspection that goes into this silly little space has revolved heavily around the lives of others. My propensity to wear my own emotions and on-goings so blatantly on my sleeves is not a trait shared by many . . . dare I say any? I guess not every third grader bursts into tears as she tells her Mom that she snuck and watched Forest Gump after being distinctly told that it was a grown-up movie. There was not even a hint of interrogation, I just burst into confession because I am woefully anti-private. I just “came out this way.”
The pause in writing these past few months has been the result of my life being intensely intertwined with others and also realizing that as a leader-esque sort of person it may not be the wisest forum to confess my every thought, though I am wrestling with that notion. This is my public platform and if I choose to use it wisely my hope is that those who look upon it will afford me the same grace they would wish to encounter should honesty become a part of their public life. Granted, I write because it forces me to be honest with myself . . . eventually. It often takes time and many, many re-writes that play out in my every day life.
I read things that I wrote years ago and gasp at the ridiculousness or even the purity of some of my thoughts. How naive . . . how absurd . . . how . . . oh hey now, that was good! So here’s the short version of what’s been going on:
My faith is on the rocks.
The funny thing about that statement is that if we look at it from the perspective of an often told parable it is a good place to be. I have grown up with Christian faith. I grew up believing in the virgin birth, the mystery of a triune God, the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, and salvation for us sinners. This is the faith of my childhood and adolescence and young adulthood. Now at the ripe old age of 25 I’m assuming I should have all the answers now and feel settled and sure.
You can stop laughing now.
My faith has been shaken by friends, loved ones, and the upwelling of questions, concerns, frustrations, and fears that have been buried and semi-dormant for most of my life. Now they are awake and violently shaking my world view. As scary as that may be to read for some of you (all three of you). I promise that this is a good thing. I see God in this. I see my sin, fear, and stubbornness coming to the forefront. I see my resistance and anger towards a God who doesn’t make a bit of sense sometimes. I don’t know who to listen to at the moment . . . but I do know that opening myself up to that stil-small-voice will lead me. That whisper that has been referenced in far too many a spiritual treatise to be fallacious and easily disregarded. There is something that calls mankind to seek out, question, and pursue the divine.
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m pursuing the divine God in my own spazzy, snot-filled, kicking and screaming way. The funny thing is that I’m positive Jesus is on the other end. I’m aiming for faith like a child, the wisdom of a sage, and the passion of a youth. I apologize for being a total and utter wreck in the meantime.
Is the dry season ending?
16 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Beginnings, bounce back, peace, Peru, Updates
Words are beginning to form again. I’m not at a state where full sentences are flowing, but words float into the space between my ears in small pieces. I haven’t had a dry season from writing that lasted for four months before. So much has changed, yet so much still feels the same. Funny how that works right?
I saw a severed wing on the ground as I pedaled home. Vultures circled above in an ominous pattern. The wing sent me straight back to Piura. Walking aimlessly through the streets and passing warped houses with iron wrought windows, I was stopped by a wing that was missing its bird. It’s unnerving how fast the body fills with old emotions that feel as fresh as their first feeling. I have never known loneliness like I did in that place. I don’t think puberty even held a candle to Piura. Now, the quantity of life flourishing around me is so overwhelming that it is beginning to choke out the quality in some regards if I’m not careful. There are English speaking teenagers to love, fight with, and fret over. There is a job that challenges my truth, tries my patience, and humbles my pride. There is a roommate who is an answer to long times of prayer. There is a school that calls me “Ms. Robinson” on occasion, or dork depending on the day. There are people to love and loves to fear. There is truth to be sought and thoughts to be challenged.
There are so many stories to tell and some are true while others may be exaggerated realities, but that line in a writer’s mind can get fuzzy.
Things that have happened during the lame summer blogging months I:
20 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
- lived and worked at a Younglife Adventure camp
- processed a boat-load of past relationships and experiences over the summer
- got a tattoo
- nearly moved to Redding
- decided to stay in Davis and wait a year to try for UCD’s grad/credential program
- returned to the bike shop
- faced my doubt and learned a bit about love, Jesus and loving Jesus
- cried a bit
- laughed a lot
- gritted my teeth every once and awhile
- got a chaco tan
- lost a boat of kids while kayaking (we found them later looking at the seals)
- saw dolphin pods swim up and down the shoreline at 6 in the morning
- transitioned from camp life to home life and only cried once
- learned a bit more about love
- killed a bird only to find out it wasn’t a mercy killing like I had thought (TERRIBLE)
- learned more about forgiveness
- fell over on my bike while standing
- found an amazing roommate in Davis
- found my love for teenagers and teaching that I had lost while in Peru.
Even though I teared up on my way home after my first day back at the bike shop, the transition from the glories of camp life to being back in yolo county is not too bad. Hopefully, I’ll start writing more now that my every waking hour is no longer taken up by camp duties and relationships, which to be honest . . . was not a bad trade. But who knows what the future brings? Surely, not I.
Where we’ll go no one knows, and that’s alright with me.
16 Jul 2011 1 Comment
in Beauty, Beginnings, bounce back, Embellishing the English Major Within, friends, Hippie Moments, Necessary Grace, peace
It’s never as simple as I wish. Being at this camp and immersed in our small little community has re-lit the fearful fire beneath my ass to be a teacher. Even as a behind-the-scenes-intern I still see that God has made me for exactly this. Now, the only hitch is where to go so that the dream I’ve had since 5th grade can finally be a reality. Simpson? Really expensive, but in Redding and amidst people I already know and love. Sac State? It means I’d have to stay in the area and would be back at the shop as I continue to build community. Oh, and it’s over $10,000 cheaper! Yikes! As my credentialing wheels spin, there are so many other things going on.
After another exhausting week of camp, the crew went to Malabar in Santa Cruz where we feasted on vegetarian delights from Sri Lanka. It was the most fabulous food experience of my life. Raj, the owner, brought us dish after delightful dish. We chose nothing and were teary eyed from the goodness of everything. I have lived with this community for a mere five weeks, but my heart is bursting. We have our difficult moments, but I am so inspired by this incredible group of people and I fall more in love with this ministry every single week. It’s strange to not have consistent and direct contact with the students, but there are more moments that make it more than worthwhile.
This week we had two students who walked in waving their banners of atheism and loving them was the highlight of my week. The thing that astounds me about love is that it is the only salve for bitterness and fear. Christians can be some of the worst lovers, but we serve the master of love and he somehow continues to use us despite ourselves. I’m realizing more and more that my life’s purpose as a Christian isn’t to convince others that I am right and not a crazy fundamentalist. Instead, it is merely to love. We cannot go and make disciples through argument or proof because there is so much that can give weight to both sides, we make disciples by sharing the singular, divine love that has saved us.
After our grand meal, our little group walked down Pac Ave and I languidly hung on a railing and listened to the Mariachi musicians serenading the downtown air. The only thing that was missing was a hand to hold to pass the electricity of the moment from palm to palm, but even that longing was fleeting. It made me long for Peru and more adventures, but it reminded me of where I’ve been, where I am going and the adventurous gift that I have been given to treasure in the present. Telling kids that they are loved by serving them and listening to their story is such a privilege and I’m in greater awe each day in the forgiveness I’ve received and the mercy that envelopes me every morning in our little community. I wish I were a songwriter. If so, I’d play you the beats of my heart and sing you the many sounds of my soul.
I don’t know where I’ll be when this summer is over, but I must learn to release that anxiety daily. I still have three weeks of kayaking, river stumbling, and adventurous teaching to dig into. This is me sucking the marrow out of life right now and it is delicious.
